Steps in creating meaningless form letter...

...To connect with potential listeners that only get this because they entered a competition...

So I was a bit weirded out to recieve an email, as part of a mailing list for a radio station:

Dear Dataceptionist,

How time flies!

My little man Flynn will be turning One in 2 weeks! And to celebrate his first birthday we've decided on a Cookie Monster cake... he always gets so excited when he see's the big blue furry monster with googly eyes on Sesame Street!

Also on the to-do list is taking Flynn to his first Easter Show. We really want him to experience the animals, particularly cows as he always cries when his toy cow goes "MOOOO" so hopefully he'll overcome his fear if he meets the real thing!?! Well that's the plan....which could very well back fire!

On the subject of Easter, while indulging in all that chocolate did spare a thought for our 5 hubbies who are slogging it out in the Fitness First Boot Camp? They're on a mission to get their bodies back into shape for their wives. They’re nearly halfway through their 8 week program and you can encourage them by clicking here to vote, which in turn could win you PRIZES!!!

By the way, I should warn you that there's a good chance I might run over your foot with Flynn's stroller in the Showbag Pavillion as I battle the crowds to get my Bertie Beetle Showbag ....I'll apologise in advance!

Lars Peterson

Uhhh, thanks Lars. I don't really know who you or Flynn are though? And why on earth do you think I'd care about his birthday cake?
Don't you think this is weird!?
The rest of the mailout is normal, y'know, competitions, promotions, shit they're flogging and so forth.
When I check the website for the station, he is apparently the "drive home DJ" but even if he was the DJ I actually tune into on this station, I don't want to know about his stupid child! It just smacks of those en masse update letters you get at christmas that include little Timmy's Scout camp and Little Hannah's first tooth.
Blegh.

Step 1
Ensure software inserts recipients name so as to connect immediately with them on a personal level.
Step 2
Insert meaningless pleasantry, suggestions can include, "gee hasn't the weather been strange" "how about that local sporting team"
Step 3
Talk about someone in your life readers are unfamiliar with, mother in laws are good as they're universally hated. If you choose children, be cutesy.
Make many references to this individual for the next few ramblings paragraphs.
Pretend you were mid conversation with your readers, as this keeps it casual and really connects
Step 4
Insert some sort of reference to a local event
Step 5
Make passing reference to the actual product or service you're promoting. Find tenuous link to your individual, so it looks smooth.
Step 6
Attempt humorous passing comment as a sign off. This keeps it casual and makes it seem like you haven't slaved over said letter all day. If you can, link back to the local event mentioned. Suggestions can include "See you at (event) I'll be the one at the sausage sizzle/snorting blow in the toilets/at the bar doing shots"
Step 6
Use your full name, because people don't know who you are, and can't Google you with just your first name. Don't use your title or position, its so much more fun and personal, like you're really pals!