Happy to see me?

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Hahahahaha

Whoa

I am spending an unholy amount of my time at work reading this webcomic I found through Sadistic Manager. (of which SM, I don't know whether to tip my hat to you or beat you over the head with a blunt instrument) 

After reading through the several most recent, I went right back to the beginning of the strip and started from the beginning. Unlike Cyanide and Happiness, a comic which I also read every day, it has story and character development. 

Gosh but its time consuming. Even reading 100's of strips a day I don't think I'm making any headway. I think I may only be in 2005....

I'm quite scared to go back and check how many he's up to, cos I've been reading for days and I'm up to 600.

So thats me for now. Comic-y goodness.

If you would also like to read - check out Marten, Dora and Faye @ Questionable Content

How to go Number 2 at work

Sorry for the extremely lowbrow subject matter, but really funny. 

From a discussion on Pooing at work at Punk Rock HR

Linda March 3, 2009 at 2:58 pm

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who are pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for having a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee,do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom.This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
 

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
 

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
 

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
 

SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
 

TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
 

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
 

ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
 

WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
 

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
 

UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This per son could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
 

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

I "wish" they made "more" Novelty Cakes in "Australia"*

I have been crying with laughter for the last two days at work as I read through the archives on Cake Wrecks, a blog dedicated to "When professional cakes go horribly, hilariously wrong."

Thabo's Belly Cake, originally uploaded by Kavingate.

Or theres "does Hallmark even have a herpes section?"

The "Fireman Wang cake"

A cake for every (inappropriate) occassion...

Or see below for Its a Gril!

Congratulations on your WeEding? I cried with laughter over this one. My boss thinks I'm mad.

And of course, the cake that started it all

Bloody funny stuff, and Thanks to K for putting me onto it, through your Blogroll. (Do you know my husband Laughs his heart out when I say that? He goes around telling people how funny it is too. Killing himself with fits of giggles.)

Finally I have made it through the archives, and can return to normal work. Everytime my boss has heard me chuckle in the last few days he's threatened to cut the site off so I can't read it.



*If you've read the site you'll know that there's a lot of unneccessary "quotation" "marks" going on over there.

Wingman

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Hehehe christmas is silly

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

I will also take a magical coat

If That Doesn’t Work, Try Hogwarts

Clothing Store
Manchester, UK


Customer: “Oi you! I need a coat and it’s not here!”


Me: “Certainly miss, do you have the catalogue number?”


Customer: “No! I’ve told you it’s not here!”


Me: “Okay, describe it.”


Customer: “I want one that will keep me dry and warm in winter, but cool in summer.”


Me: “Sorry, we don’t stock magic coats.”


Customer: “Well, where could I f***ing find one like it?!”


Me: “… Narnia?”

Obama vs McCain, South Park style

Only 23 Hours after Obama won the Election, the South Park guys had made and put to air the episode dealing with the victory. It even includes actual dialogue from the speeches of McCain and Obama.

This is the first episode, and the relevant material is about 2.30 mins in.

Sexy Foam?

Make That A Triple Non-Fat Sexy Latte

sexy foam?

Coffee Shop
Vancouver, BC, Canada

(A woman walks into the coffee shop and orders a latte with “sexy” foam. I make what I thought was a latte with really “sexy” foam.)

Customer: “F***! This isn’t right. I want it with really sexy foam.”

Me: “Okay…”

(I make her another, with lots of really thick foam.)

Customer: “No, no! Sexy foam, really sexy foam!”

Me: “Okay, so less?”

Customer: “No, you know… sexy! Sexy foam!”

(I make her a third drink. This time less foam and more milk.)

Customer: “You don’t get it! I want sexy foam. Really sexy foam!”

Me: *giving up* “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!”

Richard Dawkins reads his email

Oh, so Stupid!

From Runaway Bride To Ex-Wife

Video Rental Store | Texas, USA

(A few years ago I was working at a video store when there were still late fees, and this exchange occurred after I scanned a couple’s rentals:)

Me: “Okay, sir, with the late fee from your last rental, your total is $9.50.”

Husband: “What do you mean a late fee? I ALWAYS return my movies on time, so you need to remove that late fee right now!”

Me: “Well sir, you returned–”

Husband: “I said I ALWAYS return my movies on time and you need to remove that late fee right now! I’m not paying this!”

Me: “Then you won’t be renting these movies tonight. All late fees must be paid before renting again.”

Husband: “I’m NOT paying this, so you better take it off now!”

Wife: “What movie is this late fee for anyway? We ALWAYS return our movies on time!”

Me: “This is for Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts. You rented it on the 6th and it was due on the 11th, but you didn’t return it until the 15th. ”

Husband: “Oh yeah, that’s right, we never got around to watching it. I’ll pay for it.”

Wife: “We never rented Runaway Bride and I was out of town on the 6th.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s showing that Jennifer rented the title.”

Wife: “Who is Jennifer?” *pauses and her face becomes red* “Oh, that b***h!”

(The wife proceeds to slap her husband, takes the keys and drives away, leaving her husband in the store.)

Husband: “Well, I guess I deserved that, huh?”

Me: “Sir, you put your mistress on your account?”

Husband: “Yeah, she likes movies…”

Me: “You are aware that she could have opened her own account for free, right?”

Husband: “Oh s***, really?”

Trying to mate with an epileptic cow

You hated it, but ate it anyway?

Now I'm not trying to make excuses, but M finally gave me his head cold after two weeks of staving it off. Take THAT immune system!

Sorry its been a bit quiet, I've got some stuff I'll put up tonight hopefully, in the meantime, a Not Always Right from our own sunny Aussie shores:

Don’t Mess With Mum

Restaurant | Sydney, Australia

(I’m working in a busy cafe that my mum owns. A man approaches the counter with his plate; it is empty.)

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Mum: “Yes?”

Customer: “This food had too much oil in it.”
(The plate is hidden from her view by the large counter, behind which, she is washing dishes.)

Mum: “Oh…? What, you want me to make you another one? You’d still have to pay for at least one.”

Customer: “No, I want a refund.”

Mum: “Can I see the plate?”
(Customer holds up plate; it is basically empty: some left over slices of lettuce, a little bit of bread.)

Customer: “There was too much oil. I didn’t like it.”

Mum: “But… you finished it off. How can you finish a whole meal you hate? Are you kidding me?”

Customer: “No.”

Mum: “Get the f*** out of my store!”

Customer: “What?”

Mum: “F*** off!”

And You'll be pleased to hear I've finally read the entire archive so I can concentrate on working again hehehehe (and submitting my own entry!)

I too, like email

HAD to post this one, its too bizarre! (I'm on page 49 of 99 pages of archives....)

A Woman Of Few Words

Information Technology (University) | Midwest, USA

(I was in our technology support office when a housekeeping staff person, Donna, stopped by. There was no preamble to the dialog below.)

Donna: “Dr. Franklin gets e-mail in his office.”

Me: *nods*

Donna: “Alicia says she can check her e-mail in the office.”

Me: *nods*

Donna: “I like e-mail.”

Me: “Nice.”

Donna: “Nice?”

Me: “Not nice?”

Donna: “I like e-mail.”

Me: “I like e-mail, too.”

Donna: “You don’t have it?”

Me: “I do.”

Donna: “I like e-mail.”

Me: *biting lower lip, uncertain what to say or do*

Donna: “I like e-mail.”

Me: *glancing at the clock on the wall*

Donna: “I like to have e-mail.”

Me: “I like having e-mail, too, and I check it all the time.”

Donna: “Can I have it? I like to have e-mail.”

Related:
The Art Of Ambiguity

Not again....

M and I went to the movies last night, we had a nice little date. We saw Hancock which was actually quite a good flick.

We almost didn't make it though....

We got ready to go, and as we were leaving the house, I went out the door, which M following, and as he shut the door, apparently I turned to look at him with a look on my face, and said "have you got the keys?"
M - "no! Have you?"
me - "no!"

And all we could do was laugh. Stand in the (echoey) lobby outside our door, and laugh our asses off like crazy people.

We rang M's parents who have our spares, no stranger to this circumstance, which regular readers may recall, and through his laughter M managed to say "we've locked ourselves out of our house"....
All we could hear down the line was laughter, and "I'm on my way"

We made the movie, with time to spare

Stupid customers (more)

Aarrrrrhgghggh! So frustrating! More from Not Always Right

In That Case, Replace Them Daily

Auto Mechanic Shop | Redwood City, CA, USA

Customer: “Could you check my brakes and see if they are bad?”

Coworker: “Of course. Which vehicle is yours?”

Customer: “Oh, I walked here.”

Coworker: “Ok, well we can’t check your brakes if the car isn’t here.”

Customer: “I told you I walked here. I just want to know if I need new brakes.”

Coworker: “I can’t tell you that unless I actually see the vehicle.”

Customer: “Can’t you just tell me if I need new brakes for my car? It’s a Mercedes if that helps at all.”

Coworker: “Like I said, I need to see the car to tell you if you need new brakes.”

Customer: “OK, so can you tell me if my brakes are bad?”

Me: “We physically need the car here in front of us so we can look
at the brakes with our own eyes and determine if they are bad or not.”

Customer: “It’s a Mercedes.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Thing On The Thing With The Thing

Retail | Woonsocket, RI, USA

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How can I direct your call?”

Customer: “Do you have any of those things you can put on tables?”

Me: “Like a table cloth?”

Customer: “No. They’re those things you can put on tables.”

Me: “Ma’am, you can put a lot of things on tables.”

Customer: “Well I don’t know what they’re called! You’re the one who should know!”

Me: *face on desk*

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just don't think I could have put up with customers like that. I would have screamed.
I wish I'd written down some of my customer horror stories now...

The customer is NOT always right

Oh god, its every awful retail story you can imagine, collected together at a site called Not Always Right. I haven't been able to stop reading since Evil HR Lady mentioned it on her blog.

Here's a couple of good ones

Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition, Part 2

Library | London, UK

(A customer comes to the counter to borrow a DVD, I go into the back and get the one he wants, and all seems normal…)

Me: “May I have your card?”

Customer: *presents a bank card*

Me:  ”I mean your library card.”

Customer: “You mean I can’t buy it?”

Me:  ”No, you can only borrow from a library.  You can buy DVDs in the shop around the corner.

Customer:  ”Oh…. so I can’t buy it here? I have to borrow it?”

Me:  ”Yep.”

Customer: “I wanted to buy it.”

Me: “You can only buy it from shops.  Are you a member of the
library?

Customer: “No, I wanted to buy this DVD.”

Me: “You can’t buy things here, you can only borrow things when you’re a member.”

(By this point there is quite a long queue behind him, so I ring the bell for assistance.)

Customer:  ”What’s that bell for? Is it for getting a copy I can buy?”

Me:  ”No, it’s to get assistance for the other readers.  If you’d like to buy a DVD, I’d strongly suggest you go elsewhere. ”

Customer: “So I can’t buy it?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: *pauses* “Oh… I wanted to buy it.”  (After one more pause, he finally leaves.)

Related:
Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition
I Think She Wants A Discount

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Was It Something I Said

Phone Company | Las Vegas, NV, USA

Me: “411 Information.”
Customer: “Wait a minute…”
*papers rustling around*
Customer: “I thought I had that here…”
*long pause, more rustling*
Customer: “Just a sec…”
*several seconds of silence*
Customer: “Never mind, you sound stupid.”
*hangs up*

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the Most popular post on the site (most Thumbs Up)

Mission: Impossible

Key Shop | Chicago, IL, USA

Customer: “I just locked my key in my car in front of the shop.”
Me: (I pick up some stuff) “Not a problem, I’ll pop it open for $5.00.”
Customer: “What are you going to do with that stuff?”
Me: “Open your car.”
Customer: “It’s a brand new Mercedes. I just drove it here from the dealer–you can’t touch it!”
Me: “Then how do I open it?”
Customer: “That’s your problem.”
Me: “Actually it’s not; I didn’t lock the key in your car.”
Customer: “You have to open it.”
Me: “Watch me not open it.”
Customer: “OK then, but if you make any scratch or mark at all then you will have to pay Mercedes to repaint the whole car. That will cost thousands.”
Me: “So If I’m successful I get $5.00, but if I make the smallest error it will cost me thousands of dollars?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Your car might just be there forever.”

(There is even a T-shirt dedicated to this one)

From the Not Always Right store:    
Your Car Might Just
Be There Forever Tee

 

Warning-If you go there, you may ALSO be tempted to read ALL the archives compulisvely.

Especially if you have worked in retail with the morons we call customers.

Resume blunders

~ “I am great with the pubic.”
~ A candidate listed her e-mail address as pornstardelight@*****.com
~ One candidate’s electronic resume included links to her homepage, where the pictures were of her in the nude.
~ Hobbies: “getting drunk everynight down by the water, playing my guitar and smoking pot”
~ “One applicant used colored paper and drew glitter designs around the border” (there's standing out, and there's the patently ridiculous)

From Ask Annie

~ “I am a wedge with a sponge taped to it. My purpose is to wedge myself into someone’s door to absorb as much as possible.”

Yahoo Hot Jobs

~ “Finished eighth in my class of ten.”
~ “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
~ “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”
~ “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”
~ “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
~ “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.”
~ “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”

Humour Matters.com

~ Interests: “Gossiping.”
~ Favorite Activities: “Playing trivia games. I am a repository of worthless knowledge.” (This sounds like one I could use....)
~ Skills: “I can type without looking at thekeyboard.” (hmmm)
~ Qualifications: “Twin sister has accounting degree.”
~ Experience: “Have not yet been abducted by aliens.”
~ Objective: “I would like to work for a company that is very lax when it comes to tardiness.”
~ Education: “Have repeated courses repeatedly.”
~ Salary requirements: “The higher the better.”

~ References: “Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don’t know their phone numbers.”
~ Achievements: “First runner-up for Miss Fort Worth, 1982.”
~ Awards: “National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes.”
~ Experience: “I was brought in as a turnaround consultant to help turn the company around.” (Hmmm, while consulting?)
~ Resume: “Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve.” (Doing tequila body shots by the sounds of it)
~ Experience: “My father is a computer programmer, so I have 15 years of computer experience.”
~ Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.”

Resumania’s Archive:

JobMob Top 10

1. Application: How large was the department you worked in with your last company? “A: 3 stories.” (Resumania)
2. A resume listed a skill as “being bi-lingual in three languages” (Ask Annie’s)
3. Background: “28 dog years of experience in sales (four human).” (Resumania)
4. In the section that read “Emergency Contact Number” she wrote “911.” (Ask Annie’s)
5. Candidate drew a picture of a car on the outside of the envelope and said it was the hiring manager’s gift. (Careerbuilder.com)
6. Languages: “Fluent in English. Also I have been heard muttering Gibberish in my sleep.” (Resumania)
7. “Directed $25 million anal shipping and receiving operations.” (ResumePower.com)
8. On one of our applications, a girl wrote ” I’m 16, I’m pregnant and I can do anything.” At the same time she turned in her application, her boyfriend handed in his. On his: “Felony for breaking and entering.” (Ask Annie’s)
9. “One candidate included clipart on their resume of two cartoons shaking hands.” (Ask Annie’s)
10. Application: “On the line that asked what “sex” he was, he wrote “occassionally”.” (Ask Annie’s)

Blogland

A special post for M, because sadly, sometimes it feels like this LOL

Flight of the conchords

The first I ever heard of this show was a link to the video "Business Time" which I thought I had embedded here somewhere, as it was the funniest thing ever, but apparently not....
Here it is, for its hilarity, once (again)

Yay! Very funny.*

After I saw this, I saw a few other songs of theirs (which may or may not have involved a drunken laptop You Tube search), and so I was rather pleased to see that Channel Ten would be running the show Sunday night. Annoyingly run at 10.10pm, the Einsteins at Channel Ten programming have moved it, to 10.40pm. Awesome guys. THANKS. Really, where should I send the box of Roses?

Anywho, so it was one of the kind of shows where I was actually kind of hesitant to watch it, because I really wanted to love it. I SO wanted to find it funny. This has happened to me before, especially when someone recommends a show or a movie to you, because "you'll love it". Well I know I already kind of loved the songs from FOTC. Its the kind of show that I think can be very hit or miss. Other shows I love that don't necessarily hit the mark with everyone : The Young Ones, Black Books. These two particular examples, M doesn't really like at all. Its all a bit bewildering for him when we go off and start quoting them. (Because aren't the best shows the quotable ones?).
And British comedy seems to be the funniest overall too doesn't it?
Well, FOTC is New Zealanders, making fun of Aussies, interspersed with jarring American accents and stereotypes, since they live in New York.

So after the first few episodes, and I was so relieved to find I did really like it, and I do find it funny. LOL funny, chuckle funny, and WTF funny. For M, its a Miss, he's not that fussed with it.

*The episode that this song features in, is showing THIS Sunday night and while its too late to watch now (It's a School Night!), I will be taping it, for future hilarity.