you gotta be f%#$ing kidding me right?

Better Off Popular

Lifeguard | Princeton, NJ, USA

(I was lifeguarding and jumped in to help a boy who had wandered into deep water. This interaction happened with his mother after I helped the boy out of the water.)
Mother: *running over* “What happened?!”

Me: “Everything is OK, ma’am. Your son just went too deep into the water. He should be fine.”

Mother: “Well, why the h*** did you help him?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Mother: “Why did you have to jump in and help him?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s my job, and your son was having trouble swimming–”

Mother: *interrupting* “You idiot! You embarrassed my son in front of everyone! Don’t you think you should have thought about how embarrassing that must have been for a little boy?!”

Me: “Actually, no I didn’t think about that. I was more concerned about your son drowning than him being embarrassed.”

Mother: “That’s ridiculous! Why the h*** would you ever be more concerned about THAT?!”

This will go perfectly with the fridge...

I Just Lost My Appetite…

Frame Shop | Moscow, ID, USA

(A customer comes in with “artistic” nude pictures of herself and her husband, and throws them on the counter.)

Customer: “What kind of frame should I put on these? They are going in the kitchen.”

Me: “The kitchen, huh? Well, I can start you off with a few options.” *I show her a few frames*

Customer: “…and how much would this be?”

Me: “$350.00 each.”

Customer: “For $350.00 I’d expect something a little more… phallic.”

Well yeah its a bit judgemental....

Fit To Be Wide

Retail | Missouri, USA

(An angry, overweight female customer approaches me with a Nintendo Wii Fit and hands me her receipt.)

Me: “Hi, what can I help you with today?”

Customer: “I’d like to return this.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem with it?”

Customer: “I think it’s broken.”

Me: “All right, what’s going on?”

Customer: “Whenever it weighs me and calculates my BMI, it labels me as obese.”

Me: “And…”

Customer: “Well, that can’t be right!”

Me: “From what I’ve heard, the measurements on Wii Fits are fairly accurate. Are you sure you want to return this? They’re pretty hard to find.”

Customer: “Are you calling me fat?!”

Me: “No, I’m just saying that…”

Customer: “You just called me fat!

Me: “No, I was just saying…”

Customer: “Whatever. I still want to return it. It’s obviously not working right. And, I think someone should talk to the designer; make them use a different word. It hurt my feelings.”

Me: *soothingly* “Maybe you could contact Nintendo; write a letter or something.”

Customer: “You know what, I will! I’ll let them know that their stupid game called me obese and made me cry for three hours straight. I haven’t eaten solid food for two days because of it. I’m so hungry! I almost fainted last night. Do you think I can sue?”

Me: “Well, you can sure try. Have a nice day.”

http://notalwaysright.com/

I will also take a magical coat

If That Doesn’t Work, Try Hogwarts

Clothing Store
Manchester, UK


Customer: “Oi you! I need a coat and it’s not here!”


Me: “Certainly miss, do you have the catalogue number?”


Customer: “No! I’ve told you it’s not here!”


Me: “Okay, describe it.”


Customer: “I want one that will keep me dry and warm in winter, but cool in summer.”


Me: “Sorry, we don’t stock magic coats.”


Customer: “Well, where could I f***ing find one like it?!”


Me: “… Narnia?”

Sexy Foam?

Make That A Triple Non-Fat Sexy Latte

sexy foam?

Coffee Shop
Vancouver, BC, Canada

(A woman walks into the coffee shop and orders a latte with “sexy” foam. I make what I thought was a latte with really “sexy” foam.)

Customer: “F***! This isn’t right. I want it with really sexy foam.”

Me: “Okay…”

(I make her another, with lots of really thick foam.)

Customer: “No, no! Sexy foam, really sexy foam!”

Me: “Okay, so less?”

Customer: “No, you know… sexy! Sexy foam!”

(I make her a third drink. This time less foam and more milk.)

Customer: “You don’t get it! I want sexy foam. Really sexy foam!”

Me: *giving up* “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!”

This can't be true....

What. The. F***. (From Not Always Right)

Deli
Knoxville, TN, USA


(I work in a deli, and the new girl gets a call about party trays; she hands the phone to me.)

Me: “Okay, sir. Sorry about the wait. Do you know which tray you want?”

Male caller: “I just need some information about party trays.”


Me: “Alright, what would you like to know?”

Male caller: “How many should I order for a bachelorette party with 8 women for 6 hours? They’re hiring me to be the entertainment, and they’re paying me $300 to be a garbage disposal. They said they’ll go out and get more if I don’t bring enough. Would you?”


Me: “Would I… what?”

Male caller: “If you were paying me $300 to be the entertainment and garbage disposal, how long do you think it would last? I want to know what I’m in for. They’re gonna put me in a dress and makeup and tie me up and feed me the leftovers to see how much I can hold. Would you?”

Me: “No, I wouldn’t. Sir… I–”

Male caller: “No, if you were paying me $300 to be entertainment and the garbage disposal and put me in a dress and tie me up so I couldn’t get out… They’re going to pay me a $150 dollar bonus to take a vacuum cleaner and hook it up to me and vacuum. I want to know what I’m in for.”

Me: “Sir, with all due respect–”

Male caller: “Would you?”

Me: “Let me transfer you to my manager. He might be able to help you.”

Male caller: *click*

Your boyfriend did WHAT to your boob?

*shudder* Some people should be kept in padded rooms for their own protection.

Rudolph The Boob-Nosed Reindeer

Medical Supply Call Center
California, USA

Me: “Thank you for calling ***, this is Bill in the breast aesthetics department. How may I help you?”

Customer: “My left boob popped.”

Me: “Okay, so the implant failed?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Are your implants silicone gel or saline?”

Customer: “The water kind.”

Me: “So, we’ve had a saline deflation. I need to ask you some questions in regards to how it may have deflated.”

Customer: “Why, don’t you believe me?”

Me: “Of course I believe you, but as part of making our implants even better and evaluating where under the device’s warranty this falls, I need to know what may have led up to the implant’s leak.”

Customer: “Oh, so you think this is my fault?! You make a crappy implant and you have the nerve to blame me?”

Me: “Wait, wait. First, I didn’t make your implant, my company did. I’m here to help you get this fixed in the fastest way possible and that starts with finding out how the implant deflated.”

Customer: “So you want to know what I did to screw them up, is that right? I spend a fortune on these things to be walking around with a flat tire of a tit and you think it’s my fault?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I simply need to know how to cover this under your warranty, to see how much money we are going to give you to fix the problem. We give you a check for money to fix the problem if you’ll just answer my questions. What do you remember doing when you first noticed the deflation in your breast?”

Customer: “Me and my boyfriend were playing sex hide-and-seek in the house and he thought it would be more fun if my boobs glowed. So, he used a needle tube to insert little red lights into them… what do you call those little glowing lights? It’s like three letters?”

Me: “… A diode?”

Customer: “Yes. He’s a trained professional… he uses them on animals at his job all the time.”

Me: “So, your boyfriend punched a hole in your chest and tried inserting a diode inside the implant?”

Customer: “Well, not in my chest. Just on the top side of my boob so it wouldn’t hurt. He numbed it first.”

Me: “… And this is the implant’s fault, how?”

Customer: “It started leaking and getting flat.”

Me: *laughing* “I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I’m recording this and no one is going to believe me!”

Customer: *click*

Oh, so Stupid!

From Runaway Bride To Ex-Wife

Video Rental Store | Texas, USA

(A few years ago I was working at a video store when there were still late fees, and this exchange occurred after I scanned a couple’s rentals:)

Me: “Okay, sir, with the late fee from your last rental, your total is $9.50.”

Husband: “What do you mean a late fee? I ALWAYS return my movies on time, so you need to remove that late fee right now!”

Me: “Well sir, you returned–”

Husband: “I said I ALWAYS return my movies on time and you need to remove that late fee right now! I’m not paying this!”

Me: “Then you won’t be renting these movies tonight. All late fees must be paid before renting again.”

Husband: “I’m NOT paying this, so you better take it off now!”

Wife: “What movie is this late fee for anyway? We ALWAYS return our movies on time!”

Me: “This is for Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts. You rented it on the 6th and it was due on the 11th, but you didn’t return it until the 15th. ”

Husband: “Oh yeah, that’s right, we never got around to watching it. I’ll pay for it.”

Wife: “We never rented Runaway Bride and I was out of town on the 6th.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s showing that Jennifer rented the title.”

Wife: “Who is Jennifer?” *pauses and her face becomes red* “Oh, that b***h!”

(The wife proceeds to slap her husband, takes the keys and drives away, leaving her husband in the store.)

Husband: “Well, I guess I deserved that, huh?”

Me: “Sir, you put your mistress on your account?”

Husband: “Yeah, she likes movies…”

Me: “You are aware that she could have opened her own account for free, right?”

Husband: “Oh s***, really?”

You hated it, but ate it anyway?

Now I'm not trying to make excuses, but M finally gave me his head cold after two weeks of staving it off. Take THAT immune system!

Sorry its been a bit quiet, I've got some stuff I'll put up tonight hopefully, in the meantime, a Not Always Right from our own sunny Aussie shores:

Don’t Mess With Mum

Restaurant | Sydney, Australia

(I’m working in a busy cafe that my mum owns. A man approaches the counter with his plate; it is empty.)

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Mum: “Yes?”

Customer: “This food had too much oil in it.”
(The plate is hidden from her view by the large counter, behind which, she is washing dishes.)

Mum: “Oh…? What, you want me to make you another one? You’d still have to pay for at least one.”

Customer: “No, I want a refund.”

Mum: “Can I see the plate?”
(Customer holds up plate; it is basically empty: some left over slices of lettuce, a little bit of bread.)

Customer: “There was too much oil. I didn’t like it.”

Mum: “But… you finished it off. How can you finish a whole meal you hate? Are you kidding me?”

Customer: “No.”

Mum: “Get the f*** out of my store!”

Customer: “What?”

Mum: “F*** off!”

And You'll be pleased to hear I've finally read the entire archive so I can concentrate on working again hehehehe (and submitting my own entry!)

I too, like email

HAD to post this one, its too bizarre! (I'm on page 49 of 99 pages of archives....)

A Woman Of Few Words

Information Technology (University) | Midwest, USA

(I was in our technology support office when a housekeeping staff person, Donna, stopped by. There was no preamble to the dialog below.)

Donna: “Dr. Franklin gets e-mail in his office.”

Me: *nods*

Donna: “Alicia says she can check her e-mail in the office.”

Me: *nods*

Donna: “I like e-mail.”

Me: “Nice.”

Donna: “Nice?”

Me: “Not nice?”

Donna: “I like e-mail.”

Me: “I like e-mail, too.”

Donna: “You don’t have it?”

Me: “I do.”

Donna: “I like e-mail.”

Me: *biting lower lip, uncertain what to say or do*

Donna: “I like e-mail.”

Me: *glancing at the clock on the wall*

Donna: “I like to have e-mail.”

Me: “I like having e-mail, too, and I check it all the time.”

Donna: “Can I have it? I like to have e-mail.”

Related:
The Art Of Ambiguity

Stupid customers (more)

Aarrrrrhgghggh! So frustrating! More from Not Always Right

In That Case, Replace Them Daily

Auto Mechanic Shop | Redwood City, CA, USA

Customer: “Could you check my brakes and see if they are bad?”

Coworker: “Of course. Which vehicle is yours?”

Customer: “Oh, I walked here.”

Coworker: “Ok, well we can’t check your brakes if the car isn’t here.”

Customer: “I told you I walked here. I just want to know if I need new brakes.”

Coworker: “I can’t tell you that unless I actually see the vehicle.”

Customer: “Can’t you just tell me if I need new brakes for my car? It’s a Mercedes if that helps at all.”

Coworker: “Like I said, I need to see the car to tell you if you need new brakes.”

Customer: “OK, so can you tell me if my brakes are bad?”

Me: “We physically need the car here in front of us so we can look
at the brakes with our own eyes and determine if they are bad or not.”

Customer: “It’s a Mercedes.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Thing On The Thing With The Thing

Retail | Woonsocket, RI, USA

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How can I direct your call?”

Customer: “Do you have any of those things you can put on tables?”

Me: “Like a table cloth?”

Customer: “No. They’re those things you can put on tables.”

Me: “Ma’am, you can put a lot of things on tables.”

Customer: “Well I don’t know what they’re called! You’re the one who should know!”

Me: *face on desk*

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just don't think I could have put up with customers like that. I would have screamed.
I wish I'd written down some of my customer horror stories now...

The customer is NOT always right

Oh god, its every awful retail story you can imagine, collected together at a site called Not Always Right. I haven't been able to stop reading since Evil HR Lady mentioned it on her blog.

Here's a couple of good ones

Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition, Part 2

Library | London, UK

(A customer comes to the counter to borrow a DVD, I go into the back and get the one he wants, and all seems normal…)

Me: “May I have your card?”

Customer: *presents a bank card*

Me:  ”I mean your library card.”

Customer: “You mean I can’t buy it?”

Me:  ”No, you can only borrow from a library.  You can buy DVDs in the shop around the corner.

Customer:  ”Oh…. so I can’t buy it here? I have to borrow it?”

Me:  ”Yep.”

Customer: “I wanted to buy it.”

Me: “You can only buy it from shops.  Are you a member of the
library?

Customer: “No, I wanted to buy this DVD.”

Me: “You can’t buy things here, you can only borrow things when you’re a member.”

(By this point there is quite a long queue behind him, so I ring the bell for assistance.)

Customer:  ”What’s that bell for? Is it for getting a copy I can buy?”

Me:  ”No, it’s to get assistance for the other readers.  If you’d like to buy a DVD, I’d strongly suggest you go elsewhere. ”

Customer: “So I can’t buy it?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: *pauses* “Oh… I wanted to buy it.”  (After one more pause, he finally leaves.)

Related:
Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition
I Think She Wants A Discount

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Was It Something I Said

Phone Company | Las Vegas, NV, USA

Me: “411 Information.”
Customer: “Wait a minute…”
*papers rustling around*
Customer: “I thought I had that here…”
*long pause, more rustling*
Customer: “Just a sec…”
*several seconds of silence*
Customer: “Never mind, you sound stupid.”
*hangs up*

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the Most popular post on the site (most Thumbs Up)

Mission: Impossible

Key Shop | Chicago, IL, USA

Customer: “I just locked my key in my car in front of the shop.”
Me: (I pick up some stuff) “Not a problem, I’ll pop it open for $5.00.”
Customer: “What are you going to do with that stuff?”
Me: “Open your car.”
Customer: “It’s a brand new Mercedes. I just drove it here from the dealer–you can’t touch it!”
Me: “Then how do I open it?”
Customer: “That’s your problem.”
Me: “Actually it’s not; I didn’t lock the key in your car.”
Customer: “You have to open it.”
Me: “Watch me not open it.”
Customer: “OK then, but if you make any scratch or mark at all then you will have to pay Mercedes to repaint the whole car. That will cost thousands.”
Me: “So If I’m successful I get $5.00, but if I make the smallest error it will cost me thousands of dollars?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Your car might just be there forever.”

(There is even a T-shirt dedicated to this one)

From the Not Always Right store:    
Your Car Might Just
Be There Forever Tee

 

Warning-If you go there, you may ALSO be tempted to read ALL the archives compulisvely.

Especially if you have worked in retail with the morons we call customers.

Checkout Rage

What a shocking, sad story. news.com.au

Mr Tripp was shopping at 7.30pm when an argument broke out near him. Witnesses said a female customer accused another shopper of pushing ahead of her in the queue and insulting her.
She spotted the abusive youth at a customer counter in the supermarket a moment later, and called her partner on a mobile phone.
He allegedly stormed into the store and she told him "That's the guy, that's the guy".
But he thought she was pointing at Mr Tripp, a 57-year-old structural engineer, not at the youth in the queue ahead of him. Mr Tripp was punched once in the face.
But the single blow was so hard, he collapsed unconscious on to the supermarket floor, blood gushing from his mouth and nose. He was rushed to hospital but his life support was switched off yesterday morning.

Police arrested 37-year-old Tony Virsami and charged him with murder. His partner Antoinette Richardson, 37, was also charged with murder.