"When she was fourteen, Jasvinder Sanghera was shown a photo of the man chosen to be her husband. She was terrified. She'd witnessed the torment her sisters endured in their arranged marriages, so she ran away from home, grief-stricken when her parents disowned her.SHAME is the heart-rending true story of a young girls attempt to escape from a cruel, claustrophobic world where family honour mattered more than anything- sometimes more than life itself.
Jasvinder's story is one of terrible opression, a harrowing struggle against a punitive code of honour-and, finally, triumph over adversity.
This book was amazing. It was so good, I read it cover to cover in a single day. There is so much that goes on in the world without us knowing, it just amazes you.
A must read as far as I'm concerned.
5/5
*** update-I was so moved by this book I wrote the author a note. I've only done that once before.
01.05.08 ****See this post for Another update to this a year on****
45 kindred spirits ~ This bugs them too!:
Im a Sikh, this kind of treatment happens to alot of Sikh girls and BOYS but although she was shown a photo on a man aged 14, I was shown a pic of a girl when i was 15.
I have read this book, am quite shocked of this Sikh woman who claims shes a Sikh and she doesnt know how to say 'Ik Om Kar', she called it 'Ik Cum Kar'.... You stupid woman. Ik Om Kar means God is one! 'Om' is God. Cum is.... well we all know. Just shows she doesnt understand the basic of Sikhi nevermind the culture. People living in the world of culture is completly against Sikhism. How her parents are living is against Sikhish and how she said that hymn.....
Thanks for your thoughts sukh survivor
this message is for sukh survivor...for someone who has undergone the same treatment as Jas-where is your compassion??? have you ever heard of publishing errors-do you think she sat at the computer and typed the book herself?? it sounds like you and her family dont know the basics of sikhism either...we became sikhs as our gurus believed everybody is equal...yet not only does caste system still exisit in our culture, but man has gone so against our fundamental principles that we have seperate Gurdwara's depending on which caste you belong to. Im sure God is so proud of the so called Sikhs
Thank you for that viewpoint Sharon, it is all completely different to my own upbringing so its fascinating to hear from those who know more than I.
I just read this book, and thought it was amazing!
I agree that Sikhism is about equality but again caste systems exist, how many people do you know that doesn’t treat the girl the same as the boy (in any culture). These things exist and there are too many people out there that close their eyes to this behaviour and like to think it doesn’t happen in their culture. It’s not about religion but people make it about religion, in no religion does it say to act in the way people have done in the book but again people still do.
I really rate the lady that wrote the book, I just think it’s a shame that the book finished! She should definitely write another book in about 20 years and update us on how she’s doing!
personaly i dont like reading books but i seen the cover of the book on a bus advert and knew i had 2 read it. i think its great what you have done. after reading the book it made sence. its true about the sentence said in the last/ second last chapter... if you are involved with a muslim you family will beat them ... that has been hinted out to me. i have so much to say but so little time. iam lucky that iam allow freedom but i dont know what going to happen when its my turn to marry (when am ready). my dad talks about finding me someone so il have a easy life. but thats not my view! i see married as a symbol of love. i love my family but i no i will never marry some one just to keep the family name. i no that very important to my family .. reading the book i think it wasnt right for jasvinder to leave jessey cuz he did so much 4 her... buh i also understand how hard it was 4 her n living with some 1 she didnt love. anyways i wishhh u all the best for the furture .. n i support u all the away :) u didnt bring shame on the family ... ur being a voice for people who are too scared to stand up to their family. YOUR GIVING THEM LIFE.. a chance to start new and build their lives.... x
This is an amazing book, and I think it is extremely disgusting that people say horrible things to Jasvinder for simply wanting freedom, she has a right to live how she wants and I can't believe even these days she gets threats from her local community - we should commend Jasvinder for helping these poor girls and boys made to marry someone they do not love and don't even know. I am a Sikh and I am proud to know someone out there is fighting for all the people without a voice!
Thanks for your comment Jaspreet. This book still affects me when I think about it. She was extremely courageous and I also think she should be commended.
Hi!
I loved this book.
I've decided to use it for an int2 personal study, can anyone help me recognize some techniques Jasvinder uses?
Thanks a lot!
hey i have read this book and im reading it the second time..when my dad saw me reading it he wasnt too happy and said i should be reading books which are meant to help me.... but after reading it i did realize that most indian girls sacrifice alot for their families and most of it goes with out a thankyou and some parents dnt even notice it... i liked the book but i dnt totally agree with everything it has to say.. like jas has made it seem that running away is the only way to get freedom.. i dnt think thats always true..I also think that jas shold have stayed with Jasey for wat he did for her...trust me very few people do that...and after all he did for her it wasnt fdair for her to treat him like that... just leave him..Overall itsa an amazing writing :)
Hi Anonymous 21st Nov thanks for leaving a comment about this amazing book. I totally agree with you about her treatment of him. I understand why she did it and everything, but I found that quite disappointing.
Good luck to you and yours.
Anon 16 Sept Sorry I was overseas while you left your comment and it slipped through. Sorry I can't be any help on this matter, I just like to read them. :)
i just finish this book!!! it is an eye opener towards the Asian girls in Britain. i cannot believe it!! really
Very interesting book and i enjoyed it very much. I am also very proud of you what you have done and by helping others is the most important thing in life.
well done!
I read this book on a flight and I must say it has been a while since I read any book cover to cover. What Jas has managed to do for herself and her children is truly remarkable. Honor based violence is widespread in Indian society where divorce is seen as a taboo and women have to put up with their miseries (in many cases even educated ones due to family pressures). This book should be read by every mother so that she realises that her daughter's happiness should lie above her religious, cultural and societal affiliations even if it is against it at times...
Wot so eva it ws. But it was one of da most amazing stories i eva read.
Jaswinder Sanghera drives a mercedes,has a lifestyle that the rich have,how do you think she got this,i will tell you through the donations she gets through Karma Nirvana.She is a women who wants to get to the top.I say she has shamed her family.
Well, interesting comments, I wonder if people still thought she was so amazing if they found out she has been slandering both Sikhism and Islam as well as the concept of 'arranged marriages' rather than just forced marriages which are undeniably unacceptable and immoral. However, the fact that she argues against indian and pakistani traditions and faiths shows that her arguement is not simply regarding 'forced marriages' but instead is an attack on religions and asian cultures concealed by her so called pledge against forced marriages. I personally think she suffers an indentity crisis and longs for acceptence in society, as she will never get it from the British Asian Diaspora in England.
Completely disgusting!
I enjoyed reading this book as it was quite interesting but i cannot feel sympathy for her after wah she did to jassey as inooo who he is and his family are quite known in derby and there are not many men who would do that for a girl most just runaway with young girls for their own sick reasons but i do think her organisation is quite good as honour crimes are known throughtout britain and they go undetected .....
Jaswinder Sanghera is a very brave woman. I and many other girls growing up in a jail without any support with fear of isolation remained in an unhappy situation.
I thought the book was pretty amazing. But i couldn't believe that Jasvinder didn't stay with Jassey! I mean who does that? It's so sad because it sounds like she used him.
Overall the book was good though
the main theme of the book [forced marriages, subservience of women etc] is great
how she treats men [ mainly jassey] is ugly. i don't like her, but i commend her efforts when it comes to her work.
man i read the book call daughter of shame tht was a nice book and i readin shame at this min it is harsh tht she leave jessy coz he help her a lot i haven not got to tht part yet but cnt wait hopin she write more book like tht
I have read the book and many like it. I find it beyond comprehension how family honour can take precedence over siblings happiness. But, all the while there is a mind set within this type of culture that 'this is how its done', nothing will change for these women and men. They are met with a wall of collaboration throughout the asian community. Where sympathy and human rights are not something that get considered. The only thing that matters is Honour. What religous faction, or caring culture would rate this above life itself. And so the tradition carries on, until these brave, brave, individuals, literally, run for their lives. I wish you well, wherever you are. The love for my children is unconditional, how it should be. Sod honour, when my childrens happiness hangs in the balance. What mother could stand by and watch her child be so cruelly
treated? An animal looks over their young with more compassion.
can anyone tell me wat happen to jassey? I feel for him :( he did so much n got nothin in return
Me and my friend just finished reading the book. I thought the book was really good and i really felt for the girls that were forced to get married.
Jas came across like a hard woker when she put her mind to it and i'm pleased she is helping the women in need out there.
Personally i didnt really like Jas herself through the book, she seemed to have felt sorry for herself most the time,when there were women in mush worse situations in the book. What she did to Jassey was cruel and heartless. He practically got used by her. I can't believe that she hit the roof when Jassey took Lisa to India without telling her, least he bought her back. For heavens sake, Jas cheated on him and the poor guy didnt say anything.
I dont think Jas even knew the meaning of love!! Well they say what goes around, comes around and it sure did come around when she re-married who ended up cheating on her.
What happened to the women in this book was wrong, and they deserve much better from life. However i dont think Jas really knows what Indian values are....cheating while your married...is not any kind of values let alone indian.
However good luck to Jas with the work she doing in her professional life as she is doing well. As for her private life......well...shame!!
so glad someone feels the same way i do bout jasvinder, she is heartless for wa she did to jas especially since he gave her lifes happiness n his life with it, she deserved everythin she got n yeah she does need to realise other ppl r goin through worse tut... But her work for others is remarkable still dnt like her though
i totally agree with you there
I must admit, I found Jasvinder full of self pity. She does come across as a little self centred. Her guy didn't deserve to be treated the way he was. Not too sure whether I like her a person or not. However, the work she does with Karma Nirvana is invaluable and for that alone, she should be commended.
iv only started readin her other book n a bit disappointed as so far no mention of jassey :(
I enjoyed reading the book, and think that the work Jasvinder does professionally is extremely commendable, and desperately needed in the community. However, I also struggle to like Jasvinder personally. Her using, abusing and later neglect of Jassey is very hypocritical, and goes against everything her organisation stands for. I also think that she really should have ditched Raj the second he started to be mean to her daughter Lisa. It sounds like she just let him bully her, and kept making him nice curries and things when he was clearly
being unpleasant to her daughter. I also don't think she should have taken her vulnerable, 6 year old daughter away from a loving father and lovely home. Atleast she's honest about it though.
im only 14 and found this book great st first i feely soory for jas then after she left jassey and went with raj and wasnt doing anything when all them men were bullying her .... was just sounding like she used all of them and i duno .... was a grat story really like the was she was brave and stood up to her parents
I agree with those who find Jasvinder Sanghera self centred.
I felt really sorry for Jassey. He saved her and she repays him by having an affair, saying 'he made it easy for me by trusting me completely'!!
I was bored with the book after that. Need to question why she helps those women - is if for her profile or because she cares.
I feel really sorry for Jassey. I want to know what happened to him. The day I finished reading the book, I cried, not for Jasvinder, but for Jassey, who sacrificed everything for her. All he got back was betrayel from Jas.
I was wondering if anyone knows what happened to Jassey after Jasvinder left him (and after his second rejection from her). Did he marry again, and have anymore kids? I think that many women would be attracted to him, and would want to marry him. He'd make a fabtastic husband and father, and I hope that he did find happiness. Apparently Jasvinder's got a White boyfriend now, because she can't be with an Asian man. But wasn't her first husband the perfect husband?
Does anyone know what happened to Jassey after Jasvinder rejected him the second time? Did he get married and have anymore kids? Did he ever rekindle his impressive engineering profession? It said towards the end of the book that Lisa had chosen to live with Jas. Did she still maintain a close relationship with her father? I hope he did. He was a fantastic husband, and a wonderful father, and I'm sure many other women would realise that, and would be attracted to him. Jasvinder is so self centred, she failed to acknowledge anyone else in her story apart from herself.
I think she is an incredible woman and I am shocked at people's judgement over her. Yes it was sad when she left Jassey but for goodness sake she was only a scared 14 year old desperate for a way out which he offered. I doubt she would have been thinking about a long term partnership at that stage. Yes he was a decent guy but he didn't exactly do much to fight for the relationship - living alongside someone and ignoring that you have problems is not a courageous way to live. There are always 2 sides to a story. Jassey was faithful in the mundane things but I think he was unfaithful to Jasvinder in allowing them to grow apart. Don't judge people unless you want to be judged yourself. I don't think looking after 3 children on your own, while studying and running a hostel looking after others is really a good description of someone who is self centred. Oh and let's not forget looking after many family members even though they disowned her. In fact your definition is nothing short of ridiculous. Jasvinder's whole life has become about helping others and there are not many people out there who live this kind of selfless life. Surely it would be easier to go back to her family and live a pretend life. At least she could be accepted.
I agree with a lot of what people say about Jas leaving Jassey, but I think Jas herself needs therapy and im not saying that in a bad way I mean it in the sense that she dosent realise the trauma all this caused her. She wasent happy with what she got, and because Jassey was too nice to her took it for granted and she needed someone mean to keep her keen like Raj did. Again dont forget she was a young girl when this all happened and more importantly when women get married or committed in her case at a young age they feel they missed out and when she had an affair with that knob at the market it was her re-living something she should have done a long time ago. Throughout the whole book I really feel Jas has made mistakes but i mean havent we all, like the time she went and stayed with her second husbands friend, i mean she was tainted already by everyone she should have had some self respect and booked herself in a B n B, because truth is the asain community not only the sikh but pakistani too, they talk and gossip and before you know it your the slutbag of whichever town your in, And before any feminists come all guns blazing but the truth is we all have to guard our modesty and not give people a chance to talk....Finally an important note i wanted to make was that in all her effort with karma nirvana it was almost like she was building this army of vulnerable people JUST to convince herself what she did was right because she was so badly guilt ridden. Even in the book she was convincing herself she was right, im not saying thats a bad thing, its something that can be easily debatable. I just wish that like someone mentioned she would stop seeing running away from home as the only way and start educating the elders in the community, these girls running away will only make tradations like this stronger in defence. She has saved lots of lifes that she can be proud of but she needs to focus on maintaining this new culture and speak to the real people that might be able to change the coming generations. And can i just say one more thing the people that need changing the most is the MEN in our cultures, wake up be a man and take a stand for your sisters and wives, it wont make u any less of a man in any way it will just make u a real man. The attitude majority of the boys and men hold in our coommunities is indispicable theres no respect for women at all especially in the smaller towns in the north of england and you all have this mentality of every girl who is outside her house to be your whore. This wrong its people like you who degrade and disempower us women, Let us grow into intelligent ladies and let us lead the future with you side by side and most importantly give us the respect we deserve because we are the reason why your next generation carry on.
oh i might have forgot to mention that i cannot put this damn book down and thats not good as i have to do my dissertation!!!...A very Honest book is the right word for it.
Z x
Ive read the book and althought i did feel for her a little bit as the book went on i did start to dislike her alot. I think what she does today is great but i think thats as far as it goes for me, what she did to jassey was wrong she basicaly used him.
I also feel this book portrais quite a bad picture of both sikhism and islam, asian british familys in generul although arrange marriages are a common thing its not always forced and yes she does seem to feel quite sorry for herself but in natural fact shes had it alot easier then some girls i personally know its a shame that some people put culture before there religion im just very glad that i have a mother who would rather me marry someone who i know and want to marry rather then a complete stranger in some cases. I think she is a positive person career wise but i feel she still hasnt quite got her self together in her personal life in the book it seems she cant seem to settle into a good relationship and home, Anyhow it was a good read. thumbs up from me!
I enjoyed the book a lot and found it very eye-opening. On the other hand after discussions with a friend I find that this woman lives a life of luxury as she gets a lot of donations to Karma Nirvana. The whole thing is more beneficial to her than anything else as she drives around in expensive cars and lives life as a rich person. I hear that she also sleeps around with MPs within her area in order to get funding for Karma Nirvana. As a person I do not like this woman but the book written was more 'entertaining' than anything else. Furthermore, I hear that Jasvinder's siblings plan to take her to court for false allegations against her parents...thats right people, the book was overly exaggerated. This is a book of self-pity...the only time she makes herself sound bad is when she left Jassey who was a decent man with no faults. Another man touches her breast and she immediately jumps in to bed like some sort of whore...is this what western culture has turned asian women in to? Shame should be your middle name Jasvinder Sanghera.
I am quite happy most people feel the same way i do pertaining to the whole Jas and Jassey issue, she might have been young but Jassey sacrificed for her,I wish him nothing but happiness because he deserves it as for Jas she has a lot of issues she needs to deal with,I dont dislike her but i certainly dont like her.as for her sisters i think they are very shameful
i am currently reading daughters of shame. i feel that jasvinder is a little bias in her book. i havent read shame yet but from daughters of shame i feel jas exagerated when she potrayed the sikh and muslim family. it is so sad to know that people out there put culture before religion. but then i realised that these people who live on force marriage and being abussive and all, they are not quite educated. when you go to pakistan or india, the educated ones are the ones in d city. the celebrities are helping passing good messages in education wise. but the rest of the people who lives in d village they are not educated and wen they move to the UK, they bring that culture, that -not-well-educated- person they are and live among that same society and never try to expand their knowledge. i think the main thing you need in life is believes. some people believes in being spiritual so they turn to religion. some people believes in values some in science. but at the end of the day when you believe in the right thing you will learn to be more intellectual and life tends to be simpler. the people that go through all these problems mentioned in the book, they are brought up in a family and society where their believes are their culture that dont work in a society like UK. brought up in a culture that belives in honour and study at a school with english culture and freedom.
if all of these people are educated things like this wont happen. there is nothing wrong being religious. study the religion properly no matter what religion you belive in study them properly and you will see that it educates you well.. these culture that she mentioned in the book is not even close to islam or sikhism.
i study comparative religion. i study differnet religion. and if you study them to the end you will see its a good thing. some part of the world make it seem that islam is bad but if you study it properly it is not violent. i respect religion. every kind of religion and culture. and i think it is sad wat ever thats happening to these people. they need to be educated. if they say that no we are muslim this is what it is then they are wrong. if they say we are a sikh and this is what it is then they are wrong. if they say they are a christian or hindu or budhist or anything and they say this is what it is then they are wrong. forced marriage, abuse, violence and anything related is already wrong just by mentioning it. these people need to be educated. i know some family in pakistan and india who are going through this. my friends from college they tell me about their relatives who lead this unfortunate life. the truth of it all these people they are not well educated and it is frustrating, disappointing and sad. the world seem like a devolope place. you look at the world you think its fully civilized and its perfect. but if you zoom in into these corner of the world you see how uncivillized people are still and its not their fault. theres just no one to help them.
i dont blame the abuser and i dont blame the victim. i dont blame the fortunate and i don blame the unfortunate as well.
i am still studying on matters like this. i make researches to understand culture and religion better. and i want to help these unfortunate people. but i don know who is doing wrong that they are like this. its hard to figure....
I have just finished reading this book and must say I enjoyed reading this thoroughly. i really felt for Jas and what she went through and would also like to point out that although her parents were very strict, she was still in a better situation than a lot of other young asian girls experience in asian households. I felt like crying when she talked about her parents after her sisters death and how in the end it was her who was there for them. I felt a lump in my throat when her dad had the lonely death. it was very moving, and what Jas is doing today to help these vulnerable women is amazing as she has become a voice for asian women. However the only thing i found difficult to understand and stay on the same level as Jas while reading the book was, how she treated Jassey as he did so much for her, loved her unconditionaly and left his life friends and stable job just to help her. How I see it is Jas has a lot of thanking to do to Jassey as she is in this position to help others and has made a life for herself through Jassey, call it directly or indirectly he is the one who has made a 14year old girl into this brave independant woman who can fight for herself as well as help others by supporting and being there for her when everyone turned their back on her. Jassey is the one who initially got her out of the unconvential situation while she was a prisoner in her own house and had it not been for him, god knows how her life would have turned and who knows she might have been happily married to the man her parents had chosen for her. overall it was a very good book and I wish good look to her and Jassey and hope he found happiness.
Personally, I liked the book. It was quite empowering.. I do like her efforts but I dislike her portrayal of arranged marriages as she doesn't distinguish between arranged marriages and forced marriages, which are two different things. I also dislike the fact that she left Jasey however, since she was married to him at quite a young age, and her parents did not help her, she didn't know what to do or how to do it. She used to "love" Jasey but at the end of the day, you can't keep someone happy if you're not happy yourself, therefore I believe that it was a good thing for them to seperate for the sake of their happiness.
Those are the only things about the book which I had concerns with but overall, it was an amazing and empowering read! :-)
Oh, btw,I'm not Sikh but many people are right.. this happens in Islam too..and in other religions..
it's not the religion which is contradictory, but rather the culture which follows it, for example, "Sikhism is based on equality".. yes, but PEOPLE who follow it and their culture creates the divide of the castes,
same with hinduism.
Another example would be in Islam and Christianity.. men and women are considered to be equal yet it's always "Men are more powerful because they're stronger, because they 'wear the pants' and do the work to get the money"
NO! That's also not right. Just because they did the work outside to get the money doesn't mean women are uncapable of it. That's just a CULTURAL aspect, not a religious.
Anywho, enjoy :-)
& this book, again, is amazing! Everyone should read this book.. a real eye-opener..
I get the feeling that many of the critical comments above are from very young people. Jas has the right to make the choice with whom to spend her life. Unfortunately she thought she was in love with someone who was very good to her.
I feel her upbringing has led her to seek affection because she wanted to be loved and a pair of strong arms to protect her as she lost the protection of her family.
Yes it was wrong of her not to put her daughter first, but that is her choice although I personally would put my children first.
She works hard to help others. This doesn't mean she loses the right to have a nice car and house etc.
The book illustrates the hardships of Asians born in the UK in coping with their culture and religion and perhaps their parents' hang ups in trying to fit in to Britain.
I am a Gujarati Indian born in the UK with parents who strongly wished me to have an arranged marriage in that I'd get to date potential husbands. If I'd found a muslim boy, they'd have been deeply disappointed but they would have put up with it because they love me. If a man ill treated me,they would protect me.
Jas has brought her daugthers up with the freedom to make wrong choices. I hope my 3 children will grow up secure and sensible to enable them to make good choices in life and to be happy.
Hopefully Jas and Jassey both find the love they deserve.
I think she's doing a great job.
But as for her character, I find it selfish, and self pitying. Someone who only really thinks about themselves. She practically used Jassey, sorry that's what got me the most..!! And moreover, Jassey, was there for her THROUGHOUT!!! and she thanked him, by firstly throwing her moods swings on him..then cheating on him..then leaving him for a guy who was bound to treat her worse?? I'm suprised Lucy didn't disown her either..!!
I also beg to differ on the point where she says she rejected Jassey because a life with him would be too easy..or something of that sort..! Is she trying to justify herself?? Because he probably didn't need her at all, yet still loves her..!! She took the easy way out in my opinion..living with Jassey would mean she's re-living her past..a chance for realizing what she's lost...but her obnoxious self ..(sorry i can't find any other kinder word for her) refused her to do it..How many women CRAVE husbands like him??? ANd she just used him?? Funny she found hte courtesy to invite Raj for her graduation but Jassey?? It was like he was lost somewhere..and had nothing to with her life..whereas without him she'd probably be married forcefully or dead by now..no sense of gratitude..
Well..that's my opion..but i'm really really glad she's doing so much for other women..however as a person..I wouldn't want to even get to know her.
I hope jassey found happiness.
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